Salvation Amy

That's a Real Thing, Right?

IIn Court today for a hearing, and the opposing counsel asks the client - "Did X ever tell you....."

And so I go, "Objection" and the Judge looks at me like I've got my head up my ass.  And I totally wimp out and go "That's, um, hearsay, isn't it?"

Everything I know about evidence I learned watching Law and Order.

Ethicaller than Thou

Today I hate my bar association.  A whole bunch.  Here's what happened.

Lawyers have this thing called Continuing Legal Education.  Most states make you take a certain number of CLE classes on a yearly or bi-yearly cycle to remain in good standing, two of my three states included. 

So, December 31 was the end of my two year cycle in my main jurisdiction.  You have to take 24 credits every two years, and at least four of those have to be in ethics, on accounta the general public thinks lawyers are all slimy toad eggs, and the bars of the country are trying to respond to that by making its lawyers sit through instruction on ethics, hoping beyond hope that some of it will sink in.

Now, this is really kind of a good idea, not because lawyers are all slimy toad eggs (although I can't speak for everybody), but because lawyers are human beings, and there are actually very real ethical pitfalls whereever you look.  (No kidding.  When I took ethics in law school, and we studied conflicts of interest, I remember thinking, "yeah, like, what are the chances that this is going to come up."  Then, within my first 6 months of practice I had it come up about 5 times.  Now, part of this is probably because I practice in a small jurisdiction, but part of it is also that the whole world is a lot smaller than I think.)

Since I am new to this, and since I ever so wisely decided to try to figure the whole mess out for myself instead of just asking someone already, and since I was pretty broke from the time I was admitted until, well, today, and these things cost real money, I took my 24 CLEs in the month of December, 2004.  It's not as hard as it sounded right there.  4 classes, 6 hours per class, 4 days out of my life, albeit a month of my life when I was also working on a big brief that was due 5 days before Christmas, which is why my extended family is still waiting for their Christmas presents.  And I was getting more than my fair share of ethics credits, because each of my four classes had an hour of ethics components in them, and I was pretty sure I only needed two for the two year period instead of two per year, which is what turned out to be true.  (Okay.  Do we all see where this is going now?)

And today I got my transcript and it turns out that one of the classes which I though had one hour of ethics actually had ZERO hours of ethics.  Dammit.  So I am one ethics credit short.  Even though I have all twenty-four hours of the stuff.  And it's my own damn fault.

So, the nice lady in charge of continuing legal ed tells me I have two choices.  One, I can get the credit in this month, and submit it on my report, and it will be counted as a completed make-up plan.  Or two, I can apply for an extension, which, it sounds like will entail a lot of paper work, so forget that.  So I found a class that is CALLED Blah Blah Blah Ethics Ethics Ethics, AND it has 6 credits, four of which are in ethics.  So take THAT.  (Although, I am a little bit wondering what we do for the other two hours in a class that actually is about Ethics so much that it has Ethics in the name.)

And, because I can't read, I'm out about 200 bucks that I wouldn'ta been out otherwise.  So there's some incentive to pay attention.

And when I'm done, I will be the ethicallest lawyer in the state.  Basically because I am an idiot.

Dear Family Law Attorneys

As a relatively new family law attorney, I have noticed a practice, common among some of you, which I would like to address. This is, specifically, the practice of attempting to engage me in some sort of second grade back and forth game I like to call "Oh, yeah? Well, your client did this...." wherein you tattle on my client, telling me, I assume, things you think or hope my client hasn't told me. I'm really trying to figure out why you do this. So far, I've come up with the following possibilities:

1. You are attempting to undermine my trust in my clients. If so, this is not a particularly effective means to that end. Every single thing any of you have ever told me, to my knowledge, either a) had no basis in fact, or b) was true, but I already knew. I usually begin representation with a lecture about candor. My clients are all very much aware that the last thing I want to deal with in open court is some damaging fact that I'm not prepared to deal with. They know that lying to me whether openly, or by omission, risks hurting their case, and making me look stupid. They know I don't much care for that.

What you are undermining is my trust in you. You might take some time to think about whether that helps your clients much when I'm negotiating with you. Or, you know, don't. Whatever.

2. You are attempting to undermine my respect for my clients. Cut it out. Plus Shame On You for even trying. I respect my profession. I know myself well enough to know that for me to be an effective advocate, I must have respect for my clients. I recognize that my clients sometimes do some lousy things, and I also recognize that my clients are people going through very difficult times in their lives. If they are doing things that are inappropriate, I try to help them see the legal ramifications of their actions. I spend a lot of unbillable hours trying to keep my clients focused on the big picture of life beyond their immediate family law disputes. For the most part, I feel like I'm pretty effective at this. And really, how dare you try to undermine the one relationship that people have during this uproarious time that absolutely should be based on trust and respect. How dare you, as a cog in the machinery of justice (if I may be so melodramatic), be so cynical and, well, gross?

Again, what you are undermining, is my respect for you.

3. You are trying to make me dislike my client. Grow up. That's so very eighth grade lunchroom that I don't even want to discuss it.

4. You are trying to take advantage of my inexperience by making me feel stupid. If this is your aim, then you are a little bit effective. Whenever you do this, I get a little bit flustered. Because most of your allegations, I've noticed, have absolutely no legal relevance. But I always get a little nervous, because of your many years of experience and my not very many years of experience, that you know something that I do not.

However, don't think for a minute that I don't double check the minute you and I finish talking. And what I am learning fast is that my first instinct is good, and often right. So here are the things that happen in my mind. a) I suspect that you might not be very smart and you go with nasty because nasty is all you have. b) I start to suspect that I have both the law and the facts on my side, and you know it. I check it out. I'm usually right about this. c) I suspect that you are way too involved playing games I have no intention of playing. d) I start to relish the thought of beating the pants off of you in court.

Anyway

The only other reason that I can come up with for your behavior is that you are just kind of mean and nasty and petty and unhappy. If this is the case, I am truly sorry for you. I hope things turn around for you. But I'm still going to do the best I can for my client. And since you've made me feel a little insecure and inexperienced, I will probably be a little scared of you, and I will probably over-prepare.

Just for the record.

A Real Voice Mail Message I Got At Work

Unnamed Pompous Opposing Counsel with Reputation for Sleeping With Clients: Hello, Amy, this is UPOCw/RfSw/C. We seem to be playing telephone tag. I'll tell you what. Why don't you leave me your cell phone number or home phone and I'll call you over the weekend. I'll be in the office on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I work seven days a week.

Heh. Dear UPOCw/RfSw/C. I don't give out my home or cell numbers to work related people beyond my employers. Hey, I know, why don't you give me your personal numbers, and I'll just call you at my convenience instead of you calling me in the middle of Easter dinner or what have you? Yeah. I thought so.

And really. The Professional Conduct Rule that says you can't sleep with your clients? Around these parts it's referred to informally as the [This Guy's Name] Rule.

Also, when I talked to UPOCw/RfSw/C he said "Yeah, I am wondering when your client is going to turn over my client's property to him. Now, let me look at my notes and see who I'm calling you about."

To which I replied, "Heh. That sort of makes me think you're making it up about my client having your client's property, doesn't it?"

The Most Exciting thing to Happen since that One Creepy Old Guy Mistook me for a Hooker

Okay - This is AWESOME. And, as a disclaimer, lest you think me insensitive, let me start out by informing you that no priests were harmed in the making of this entry.

Okay. So I'm heading into work today in the fairly, well, colorful neighborhood in which I work. I'm parking my ever so sporty and dangerous soccer mom minivan in front of the Quaker Meeting House. So, well, as you read on, you can imagine that this is the sort of thing that happens all the time. SUDDENLY, out of nowhere, a police car races by me, lights on and everything, and parks on the corner across the street from me, in front of St. Peter's Cathedral and all around Catholic Elementary School. Not one, but two cops get out. There is another County Police Cruiser already parked on the corner.

So THEN, I walked the block to work, and as I'm opening the door this guy down the street starts yelling and there's a crash like a broken bottle or something. So I hightail it into work and lock the door.

But my curiosity gets the better of me. I come out, I look around. People are gathering on the street. There are more cops. Eventually there are about 5 or 6 cop cars. There are fire engines. There are rumors.

Someone has broken into the Rectory. Someone is holding priests hostage. He has a gun. He's threatening to jump out the second floor window. No. He's just saying he's holding hostages. He's saying he has a gun. Noone really knows and the cops aren't talking.

Eventually they got the guy out and went away. It turns out all the priests are on vacation (leaving, I might add, the parishoners' souls in mortal jeopardy, but, well, whatever). But, the secretary did show up for work at nine, and reportedly started barracading herself in her office. And the guy was breaking a lot of stuff and apparently threw a toilet out the window. A toilet.

Add this whole incident to the list of reasons that I suspect I may be Catholic. Shit like this never happens to presbyterians.

Justice Crumbling

The new courthouse really is a thing of beauty, but this article is correct. There are kinks everywhere. Yesterday I was there with a client and noticed that the edge of a truly lovely marbleish wall had no molding or anything, so you could just look behind it and see where they slapped it up with plaster. There are cracks in the floor.

I think there is more, structurally and design-wise, in the new family court to sort of instill respect for the court in litigants. I remember walking into the old family court at one time, and it was SUCH a zoo that I kind of thought, maybe this has something to do with why people don't take their child support obligations seriously. But the old courthouse, where all the other courts were housed, was magnificent. Now it's being turned into offices for or by MBNA, and there's a lawyers guns and money joke in there somewhere.

But the biggest kink, both at the new courthouse and the old, is that the people in the Prothonotary's office are just plain rude, and no one (And I mean NO ONE) in Family Court EVER answers their phone or returns phone calls, with the notable exceptions of the Judges' secretaries and case managers. NO ONE. EVER.